Jes' Life

its been a while...

2008-04-28T23:55:03Z

things are going well...hangin w/ karla and nikki...cut back pretty hardcore on the alcohol..only drinkin on the weekends...this week will be my 33rd shot...its gettin close to a year, 10 months or so I think...school is winding down and only like a week or so left...im staying out here in santa fe for the summer and maybe spending a week at home...so im excited...hope everything works out....

adamjames17 @ 2008-01-05T10:28:00

2008-01-05T17:42:42Z

Things are still going well. Hanging with Alicia, Gabe left for Hampshire. Trying to read as much as I can, but I've been ADD about it...so I haven't gotten as far as I would like. Been sleeping better the last few days-nights. Talked to Nikki for like an hr last night, shez doing good...I miss my lil buddy a lot, I wish it wasn't still so long until I can go back to Santa Fe. Like another 2 wks, but I will get through it. Amy (ex, now friend) invited me to Boston for a wkend...but I don't think thats gonna work out...I'm low on funds and I don't wanna drive all the way there. Although if things get annoying here it's nice to have some options.

Side note: shots have been going well, did my 16th shot on Weds....that means I've been on T for 6 months. Not as many changes as I have hoped for, but I'll keep waiting and trying. I should get my blood tested to see my hormone levels but idk how to do that. Maybe I will ask the nurse when I go back to school.

adamjames17 @ 2007-11-26T22:02:00

2007-11-27T05:16:32Z

I feel like I'm returning to the high school mentality of the asshole, except this time there is alcohol involved--which is a dangerous combo. So I guess I am gonna be cutting way back...smoking more...drinking less...I know I've said this before...but its gone way to far.

I'm cutting back to 1 coffee mug b4 noon...and then no drinking until evening unless I am partying WITH people...closet alcoholism is doing me no favors.

Sidney told me I am supposed to be blending my fractured identity into one, and I haven't been doing that at all I've been just following my old coping mechanisms even tho I know better...I guess its a good time for new beginnings...maybe even no drinking tomorrow.

I need to learn how to chill out...and stop this nonsense...just be the nice guy that i am...this tough exterior ive been putting up just pushes ppl away and makes me an asshole...its weird ive hidden from ppl for so long, im trying to learn how to really exist out in the open...its harder than i thought...ive gotta stop TRYING and just be...im forgetting how to function without alcohol....and my social anxiety i haveta beat but not this way

adamjames17 @ 2007-11-17T15:33:00

2007-11-18T00:20:02Z

I have three hairs under my lip, and almost getting a mustache :) my body is gettin hairier and hairier...and i really need to start going to the gym and working out...i should probly go after maps class cuz im up and then id go 3x a wk...

adamjames17 @ 2007-11-15T17:48:00

2007-11-16T00:49:57Z

That was the easiest shot to date...really easy and didn't really hurt at all...HORNY as hell but not hurting so thats all good...the bday was great mudslides rocked, nikki and monica crashed things went well...mebe wineos friday but idk

adamjames17 @ 2007-11-05T20:16:00

2007-11-06T03:17:42Z

Back on the bandwagon..i didn't last, class killed my no drinking policy. I had the shakes so bad, I just drank a mug of wine and pepsi tho so that part is good...i didnt get drunk just enuff alcohol to alleviate the shakes. Good call, I'm wokring again so its all good

I survived...

2007-11-04T21:51:38Z

One day down...spent all of saturday SOBER (from alcohol) only smoked once...10 more days to go...I think i can make it...i will make it..if i do good maybe i can give myself the wkend before my birthday...the only downside to this is...i am creatively blocked--well from school work...i can't figure out how to start on my work...what to do or how to do it...idk...i think i need some add drugs to get thru this...god help me

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-31T17:25:00

2007-10-31T23:27:54Z

I feel like a pussy I was being so whiny about my shot today...but it wasn't that bad...and i mean it hurts to walk and shit but...apparently my thigh muscle is not so fond of being stabbed with a needle..i just hate that its bruised for so long after...like i mean a few days...but nikki and i talked today...and i basically told her...or more or less acknowledge what i am..and shez cool with it...so i guess thats good...i just wish it didnt haveta be like this...i wish i could just be and be happy w/o the shots and all this bs i put myself through...but then id be depressed all the time...

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-28T19:24:00

2007-10-29T01:26:46Z

Today's dream was with austin and ms. steele (his mom) and ordering pizza. we ordered 3 cheese & pepperoni pizzas and we got one cheese and two w/o cheese and like red peppers or something...idk whats wrong with me...like i said WEIRD dreams lately...but its better than NO dreams or dreams about HER...i dont mind the sex dreams either, and those i usually have control over...funny how that works, i only can control the sex dreams, the others just happen, and the revolution dreams, just i think a prophetic...

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-25T20:40:00

2007-10-26T02:42:04Z

Got "she"d be almost (well what felt like) EVERYONE today...someday its gonna be ok...but today is just not that day I guess...SA acting up hardcore...probably cuz of the blow to my ego...

GOD WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO DO/BE...i correct people and they blow me off...like the only way to prove myself is to be a bio-male and go around naked...or whip it out and piss on these people...makes me just wanna punch em...and fuckin than beat myself up...god i hate me today...and i hate that it makes me feel this way!

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-24T17:10:00

2007-10-24T23:12:02Z

so frustrated...had to design symbols for my class...and i can't do it...i get so frustrated and idk...im soo angry right now...i just want the week to be over...please please god let it be over soon...philosophy tomorrow...NO DRUNKENNESS...and hopefully i wont do fri drunk as well...probably will...atleast buzzed...and kris will drink w. me tonite :-\

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-22T20:41:00

2007-10-23T02:43:29Z

atleast my graphic design teacher referred to me as a male today...last time he almost made me flip cuz he said she....i dont know what to do...I feel like I just want to hide from the world, I feel dislocated disconnected. God just tell me what to do, Allah...whatever...just give me some direction...I want this...I want to lead this...I just need a point in the right direction!

So bought these girls some beer and captain...i drank sum of it with em, we played cards...i think her name is Maddie (shez in my philosophy class)...i was getting sorta upset she kept sayin 'she' at me...i corrected her twice and then just let it go...still hurts tho...i thought she knew better...

watched a documentary on logo last nite...on the website...made me feel idk weird i guess, but i could relate to alot of what was said on it...just made me wonder where i currently am standing...and i dont really have any answers for myself yet...but i guess i can puzzle it out as i go...somethings take time...its not like even if surgery is what i need i could afford it or do it anytime soon...:-\

http://www.logoonline.com/shows/dyn/gender_rebel/videos.jhtml here if anyone is interested and hasnt seen this....

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-18T21:37:00

2007-10-19T03:38:55Z

Rae you didn't help...you put ideas in my head...now i think i might have a chance...fucking hell...that last shot...god damn man...T level rising...my leg is still bruised...i think it hurts more cuz it was double the dose and since the consistancy is like the thickest liquid you can imagine...its suspended in oil...it takes FOREVER , i just try not to look...i dont want to bitch...cuz i guess teh changes are happening but really!!! i dont like this bruised shit for a few days...i kno its totally worth it...it really is...i just want more changes faster...im impatient!

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-18T10:55:00

2007-10-18T16:55:34Z

I have the highest grade in my philosopy class...by atleast 20-40 points...the girl i sit next to...idk her name has the 2nd highest and the rest of the class is quite a bit behind us...ROCK THE FUCK OUT...i like being smart!!!

Shot #9

2007-10-17T23:02:57Z

z-track or whatever she did hurts...but it felt good...i mean the T hitting my blood feels good...ive been running a lil low...not on horniness...just on T...i need to get sum ass...anyways enuff is enuff...

girls are good...idk y shits gotta be all complicated...you would think...nevermind enuff is enuff...

about the revolution...ok nikki is in it...kris wants to be...and i still don't know about teh other masked four...weird right...idk who else would be in it...i guess i haveta meet them...idk why its gotta be so insistant tho especially since i dont kno anyone else...mebe nikki is the key? and btw who is the blond...and why does nikki keep interupting those dreams...and what the hell do they mean...what are they doing...why the war imagery...why am i always standing there barechested...with that weird haircut...why don't i remember the details...like teh flag--behind me...or who the shadow mass of people are...or what that blonde girl looks like and what she hasta do with shit...whats up with the blood and guns and explosions...it really freaks me out...how am i supposed to do this..what am i supposed to do...why would anyone listen to me...why does teh word exodus resonate with me and this revolution or whatever...argh its driving me nuts...maybe i should look up shit...but i dont know where to start...what is it even about...im a fuckin radical i guess atleast in this country...so what the hell am i doing...i just feel like this whole thing is bearing down on me...serious pressure...i wish i really knew what its about...i just wish i had more clues...maybe im just insane and this is all wrong...its just a fuckin power trip caused by my whole identity thing and the T dosage...but then why from when i was lil did i feel this way...i guess it could be insanity...sooooo fuckin frustrated...the more i think about the dreams the more details obscure themselves and the more the lil things i remember...like the blood and violence...the marching...the flag...but no faces no purpose nothng important or imperative...GOD please just give me a clue...anything...maybe nikki has the next piece...maybe thats why it kept showing her...im just impatient...im done waiting...i want to GO DO SOMETHING

good news...

2007-10-17T16:50:10Z

no more dreams, about that girl as part of my revolution...just lots and lots of sex :) hopefully it stays that way until something new develops...

BAD NEWS:

probably flunked my midterm for map (basically 3 classes in 1)
Nikki did NOT help me study at all...idk im pretty much fucked for that class :(

Viva la revolution!

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-16T12:21:00

2007-10-16T18:24:12Z

You believe in heaven, right?
And if you have sinned you do not go, correct?
Well how do you think God treats those in heaven,
Do you think there are levels and each are treated depending on what they did on earth?
No.
God would treat you all the same, as his children.
And this I say to you, is communism...everyone gets His love and to share heaven equally.
So why is it that we can not have communism on earth?
If that is God's heaven, why would we want anything less on earth, especially when we are capable of it.

(idk weird speech idea had to jot it down--arguement for christians/catholics/religious ones)

News....reels

2007-10-14T18:42:34Z

Can we say SCARY...republicans trying to bring on the end of the world

I fucking love it...Iran is a democracy but we are funding them to be a WESTERN democracy

Who's a very good lil chavez...yes who is I can't help it I like him ALOT

Another person speaking out against blackwater

Iraqi government tries again to get blackwater out

Fucking creepy bastards they are excerising their rights as americans

Walling myself up

2007-10-14T01:21:01Z

I've been feeling really isolated lately. Partially my own doing, yet...it comes from not being able to trust people enough to take my walls down I think. I can't even talk to alicia, cause she is always hanging with Morgan or Ben...not that that is a problem it just means I can't be exactly myself. With all these changes slowly taking place I need to find some people to talk to. Everything has been feeling superficial and fake lately...I'm so torn...i want to be able to talk to people about transitioning and that im not biomale...and yet I don't cause I don't want to be treated differently or anything. It's hard...I just duno what to do about it...I'm holding it all back and trying to keep it inside...and I know that it doesn't work...but I have yet to come up with an alternative...probably just writing in here...Adam wants freedom...he wants friends to be a part of things...college life...but im still holding out on trust...im inprisoning myself...and i guess I still don't know how to let myself go...to be normal...if that is even the word I want...im used to holding myself back and separating myself but I don't know how its really working...sometimes I just want to scream I AM A MAN....othertimes I just want my friends, these people to know what i am really about...how ive struggled and that i need their support...to stand...

I am gonna do it...someday soon I will lead it...this is the life i have chosen!

2007-10-07T03:53:13Z

What is regretful is that if all these subjugaged people joined hands in brotherhood and fought back—things would change. We are so separated, and segregated by the powers that be; if we just listened to each other we would see we are fighting the same war. When Malcolm X went to Mecca for his pilgrimage and he had an awesome idea—to start a Pan-African league. For all the African brothers and sisters all over the world to join arms and stop the racism against them. His dream fell flat with his murder shortly after his return to the United States.
It isn’t only about joining together—it’s about shouting it out. So that EVERYONE hears and there can be no misunderstanding. You cannot turn a blind eye if you are forced to see what you’ve being trying to ignore. America violates so many of these basic human rights, and yet we have managed to bamboozle the majority of Americans into think we are the only one who protects Human Rights.
There ARE sweatshops in this country, there IS an illegal slave trade, and the corporations we support ARE damaging third world countries. Our NAFTA and WTO policies ARE bankrupting other countries and basically destroying their individual economy and market. To deprive someone of their rights in this country—just call them a terrorist and our laws apparently DO NOT apply to them. We provoked and started a war to steal another country’s oil, and we are about to do it again.
We keep saying we are better than all this, that we are the only truly FREE country—in actuality we only hide it better. We made legislation to free the slaves, and corporations use the same law to be declared individuals with rights. Not only do corporations have rights, but apparently their rights surpass our own individual rights. The laws are used to exploit and abuse the people who don’t run the system. The irony is that if we were all to stand up and say NO MORE—they couldn’t stop us. If the millions in poverty in this country marched on Washington and said WE WANT MORE FOR OURSELVES THAN THIS. What could they do? There aren’t enough police or troops to arrest all these people.
The problem is people are scared of change and the unknown. People are scared of the power they think the government and rich-men hold. They forget that WE gave them that power, and only WE can take it away. The only reason they have money is WE pay it to them. All we have to do is stand tall next to our neighbor and no matter what never back down until we get what is guaranteed to us by this country. We are a democracy, made by the people and FOR the people. We don’t have to believe their lies—we can and we will make a change for the better. They think they have subjugated us, and we will prove to them how wrong they are. We can no longer afford to be apathetic—we can no longer be satisfied just mumbling about how horrible things are. NOW is the time to do something, now is when it counts.

adamjames17 @ 2007-10-01T17:19:00

2007-10-01T23:33:08Z

I jumped off the wagon, into the deepest hole...I was doing well...very well...with my alcohol consumption...but sumthing about school...it makes me want to be drunken or atleast buzzed...it's easier to function, my social anxiety pretty much goes away...it used to be pot...which in mind is a much safer and better alternative...but not here in this place, too expensive and no "SAFE" place to do it...i can't even function around ppl when i am high anymore...i'm smoking more cigs than i intended, and i think i am falling...

when you have fallen as many times as I have, its easy to re-trace your footsteps and fall so quickly again...i'm not depressed...but absent...i want to hide away from all this --NOISE-- of human interaction....I always come back up to the top, but I am sick of fighting my way up again and again. I need some focus back into my life, I need a goal, to know where I am supposed to be adn what I am supposed to do...I am meant for big things, I feel it...like a hand on my shoulder pushing me to be "somewhere" I just haven't figured it out yet...sounds like dellusions but I feel like I am one of THEM..i've felt it since I was a child...maybe its a revolution...maybe its just doing the right thing, or changing mindsets...but it is something BIG..bigger than me...bigger than any city or town...bigger than a crowd of ppl...i feel like i'm meant to touch the world...the whole of it...to shape it in the way it tells me...maybe i'm wrong maybe everyone feels this way...but its this constant pressure on my life...to pull it together to get where i 'need to be'

I'm done with rules, lines, categories, and boxes...it needs to change...WE need to change...life isn't a line and you can't put things in boxes or categories...they are bound to escape our bindings...scope is teh focus..from big to small...quantum mechanics to entire ecosystems...we need to widen our view...we are missing something important...and when i find it...maybe then i will know...so much potential...and we will need every bit of it...the storm is coming--i can feel it breathing on my neck...its changing and if we don't start moving with it...we will get swept away

I am beyond pissed...i wish i could leave the country!!!!!

2007-09-28T19:39:03Z

I renounce my citizenship in teh US...we are morally bankrupt...and our nation is tearing the world apart...I'm fed up and I'm done...I'm gonna start a revolution....I will not fight in war...but I will fight for freedom and to change this dreadful world!!!!

Decide for yourself...is the president of the 'democratic' Iran a terrorist or do we just disagree with him
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD? Seriously...we have turned into a fuckin authoritarian government...not letting him speak, denoucing him as a terrorist without listening first. Fuck the media, let the masses decide for themselves...we dont need to be spoon-fed bs about people!

FUCK BLACKWATER FUCK blackwater..fuck them...if iraq's president wants them out...get them the fuck out of there...they are fuckin wreaking havock...killling innocent people...what the hell is wrong w/ us...raping the country we 'saved

Hey I got an idea, why doesn't the US split Iraq into 3 separate countries So when are teh fucking iraq people gonna decide what to do about their country? we are gonna make all these decisions...they lived in peace for a while...until we westerners stirred the pot, to turn them against each other for our greed of their oil!

When do you think they will get the hint? Atleast these people can't be labeled as unpatriotic!

Thank god some people are taking their roles as US citizens seriously

Pot is good for alot of things..its a pity that is being used on needless PTSD victims...there shouldn't be any...we shouldn't be fighting

for once again im down in the dumps

2007-09-22T03:03:34Z

I will say this the T shots have helped my mood swings (atleast from my perspective) immensely. But I am feeling the pressure of depression. I guess I don't have enough to do with my time. I've been drinking alot, going back to my alcoholic ways. I've been horny as hell but I just dont feel like going and getting sum ass or trying to get a chick. I just feel like crap i guess. The downward spiral started with them taking my zong. I had to spend most of my money on another one. I think not smoking as usually has really taken a toll, losing my appetite and just being more of an alcoholic in general. I'm not really sure what to do....there doesn't seem to be an answer. I've been blowing off school, to sleep and jack off. My nose is all fucked up from shit and it seems to just get worse. I haven't taken a shower in a week cuz of shared bathrooms and my nervousness. My social anxiety has been acting up big time..hence teh increase in drinkin. I just don't know what to do anymore, usually there is an answer or i have an idea. I feel like im slowly falling back where i was before. It doesn't help when alicia makes fun of me either, i fucking hate it. I really am pissed at her, she has really gone overboard. I'm sick of her bossiness and her always feeling she knows best, lots of times shez right but NOT ALWAYS. I mean I do need my space, it feels like sometimes she is trying to take over. She doesn't know EVERYTHING about me, we are two VERY different people. But I love that she gets me, and does understand me most of the time. Its not like I don't like her or want her around I just really need space to be and I hate being made fun of all the time, especially cuz i can't return the favor. I really am sick of hearing about my 'sweaty hands' ITS NOT MY FAULT--its embarrassing and its the fucking testosterone that started it--eventually when things balance they will be fine. The only good thing being the tears--that I have hated for so long have almost completely disappeared.
All my depression defense mechanisms like SMOKING POT have gone up in smoke. I think maybe I'll haveta start collaging again just haven't felt the urge to do so.

WTF...the world is so fucked...

2007-09-14T22:32:50Z

Iran tries to defend against US attacks, so British troops move in to protect the US from the Iranians

Ok so they are building a wall to separate Shia & Sunnis to prevent violence....except both groups are uniting to protest the US building it w/o their permission

Again Castro is my hero...he can't expell the US w/o bringing real problems but he can refuse to be bought off and try to get the US out of cuba

Another sign of Iran's plan to attack the US...yeah...they are trying to get rid of our US dollar before it is worthless

FUCK the US...I can't believe these people are actually giving up Islam because of all these lies being spread about Muslims...It's bull...it wasn't about Islam (9/11) it was about WTOs fucking over third world countries and shit

This just makes me sad...poor 3rd world countries...US has the fuckin narc addicts...not these people they just need help

< a href="http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/peter_tatchell/2007/09/911_the_big_coverup.html"> 9/11 coverup...the comission admits they don't have all or most of the info </a>

adamjames17 @ 2007-08-31T17:45:00

2007-08-31T23:50:05Z

yeah this is where it starts getting scary...
The bin Laden family is investing in properties to started cities run solely by corporations and such instead of governments.