Scary Republican Bills that are being pushed through:
http://www.alternet.org/story/150320/6_sadistic_state_laws_conservatives_are_trying_to_ram_through?akid=6703.262349.hq83yn&rd=1&t=5

Rupert Murdoch pays no taxes
http://www.alternet.org/story/150327/how_you_end_up_bankrolling_fox_news%3A_news_corp._and_rupert_murdoch_weasel_out_of_paying_taxes?akid=6703.262349.hq83yn&rd=1&t=8

Tax the wealthy fix the budget!
http://www.alternet.org/story/150305/“tax%2C_tax%2C_tax_the_rich%21%22_calls_to_tax_wealthy_making_right_wingers_sweat?akid=6703.262349.hq83yn&rd=1&t=21

Yay Palestine! Fight the power!
http://www.alternet.org/story/150317/as_democratic_uprisings_spread_through_middle_east%2C_palestinians%27_%28unreported%29_hunger_for_reform_is_repressed?akid=6703.262349.hq83yn&rd=1&t=30

The pure act of missing that last rope, that last stretch....unbearable
I worry that I will never feel complete
I worry that it will be just a little more this, fix that
maybe, just maybe --will this make me happy?

I need to work each day toward a happier heart
a more confident stride
and that light in my eyes
I need to care, to really truly care, about ME
I need to want to get up
To want to learn
To want to read
To want to bike
To want to go to work
To want to cook
To want to eat
To want to LIVE
TO ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIVING

Sometimes I need affirmations
Sometimes I need a comforting phrase
What I really need is confidence and power within myself

I must not fear
Fear is the mind-killer
Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration
I will face my fear
I will permit it to pass over me and through me
and when it has gone past
i will turn my inner eye to see its path
and where the fear has gone there will be nothing
only i will remain--DUNE Frank Herbert
--this litany gives me strength sometimes

I must sleep
I need to get up early
Time for bed

Aristides' Return to Haiti --friday
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/americas/2011/03/201131813208462809.html

Yemen -> military joins protesters against the government
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/middleeast/2011/03/2011321164113728994.html

Japan -> nuclear meltdown? perspectives...


Libya -> NO FLY ZONE: translation please!
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2011/03/2011321211920642649.html
Primarily the US involved in launching attacks against Gaddafi's forces
http://english.aljazeera.net/indepth/opinion/2011/03/201132093458329910.html

Afghanistan: US increase of civilian causalities & leak of photographs of US troops with pictures of dead Afghanistan civilians
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia/2011/03/20113216812327175.html

Bahrain -> Saudi Invention against Protesters -> state of emergency declared:
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/middleeast/2011/03/201131643831976772.html

How do you feel happy in your heart?
How do you feel happy in your soul?

My body feels mostly comfortable and I only have slight dysphoria. But why can't I find that inner peace? I want the inner calm and sense of feeling that I am doing what is right for me. But I can't seem to find that balance right now, it doesn't seem like I have it at all. I don't know where I want to live, what I want to be, how I want to be, or anything other than the fact that I have focused on since leaving childhood...transitioning to male. Now I have that goal in sight and I've lost my sense for other things in myself and I've lost people in my life that I wish I hadn't let slip away.

I sent out a mass christmas text...Tyler sent back: we have to have a big talk when i get back. not happy, son. Merry xmas....I don't even know what that means. Apparently Cecil says I've been telling Tyler lies about her. I think maybe it is pertaining to that? I have no idea but it makes me so nauseous.
I feel like I need to leave this place and that everything is falling apart. I feel like I lost all my friends, or maybe I never had any friends in the first place. I don't know what to say, I feel like I got kicked in the gut.
I don't want to eat,
I don't want to think,
I just want to lose myself in something. Maybe I'll read a book, I keep thinking over the documentary I am trying to watch about Armageddon on Netflix's Instant Movies. I just need to give up I guess.
I can't fix anything.
Maybe I am going insane.
I don't know what to do or think. I just can't....I am having like a panic attack for no reason. I feel like I slowly have no one left in my life. I don't know what to do or where to turn, I feel like everything around me is fake and is about to come crashing down. College wasn't real and neither were any of these people I met out here.

It's funny in an ironic way, my College friends from Etown, I consider them family. They are totally there for me in a pinch if I need it. They all made the effort to come see me when I was in Baltimore-ish area and I hadn't seen them in years--we've all changed so much. Maybe I need to move back to that. Or maybe I need to realize that I AM THE ONLY ONE I CAN COUNT ON.

I guess grad school wouldn't be a bad idea...its an escape for sure. I just, don't want to escape. I want to fix things. I want to make the world better. I want to be the change I want to see in the world, I just don't know how. I feel so lost. So confused. So tired.

I just need to be alone and figure it all out....isolation is the key--i think.

Talked with Cecil earlier this afternoon and got crushed...She wants to talk...I don't know what to say to her or how talking will ever fix all of these things...We have tried "to talk" so many times and the end results have been nothing constructive. But we can't hang out until we talk and so I am not going to see her again for a while til I figure some things out.

She said that I was so mean and awful to her...that I told Tyler untrue mean things about her...I don't think I have ever lied about her or anything having to do with our relationship. I have only expressed how I have been feeling to my friends because I can't to Cecil. We can't communicate for some reason. We aren't speaking the same language...what has changed?????

What can I do to fix it???
or
Should I just move on?

I need to add writing in a journal to my list of daily things to do....

Maybe writing (again) daily will help me figure out what is going on in my head or how I feel about things...so much has changed in the last 3 years, I need to sort it out--its a mess.

I have noticed a few things that I have issues with lately:
- my 'role' and her 'role' in our relationship -> feel lost
- nothing I do is right
- her sexual desires terrify me/make me uncomfortable
- we can not communicate
- we are going our separate ways

I am also afraid that most of or all of my other relationships aren't positive or maybe I am just awful to my friends...maybe I am a terrible friend/lover...Surely all these people can't be to blame...it must be my fault...WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
Is wanting people in your life you can count on asking too much?
Is wanting people to come to me when they have cars and I only have a bike unbalanced or unfair?
Why do I feel like I am putting in so much work and such and keep getting denied...I should stop giving so much...maybe I am not putting out the right things....maybe I am not treating my friends well or asking too much of them. I just want to move on.

What does the future hold for me?
How can I make the world a better place?
What can I give to my community/friends/family/etc?
Can I find a job that allows me to help and still pay me enough to live decently?
Can I make my values and moral code fit into this world--with all its lack of decency?


I think what I need to do is focus on me right now. Focus on me.
What do I like?
What makes me happy?
Can ME take care of ME?
Maybe if I can be happy being alone completely and not have loneliness in the back of my head, maybe I can find people that make me happy too. Maybe I can find people that are 'fountains' that make my life better as I improve their lives. I want to know people who make my life and the world a better place that I can depend on and that can depend on me for the exact same. I knew I'd feel lonely on Christmas but my family loves me from NY and I need to make that enough and be happy for me.

things are going well...hangin w/ karla and nikki...cut back pretty hardcore on the alcohol..only drinkin on the weekends...this week will be my 33rd shot...its gettin close to a year, 10 months or so I think...school is winding down and only like a week or so left...im staying out here in santa fe for the summer and maybe spending a week at home...so im excited...hope everything works out....

Things are still going well. Hanging with Alicia, Gabe left for Hampshire. Trying to read as much as I can, but I've been ADD about it...so I haven't gotten as far as I would like. Been sleeping better the last few days-nights. Talked to Nikki for like an hr last night, shez doing good...I miss my lil buddy a lot, I wish it wasn't still so long until I can go back to Santa Fe. Like another 2 wks, but I will get through it. Amy (ex, now friend) invited me to Boston for a wkend...but I don't think thats gonna work out...I'm low on funds and I don't wanna drive all the way there. Although if things get annoying here it's nice to have some options.

Side note: shots have been going well, did my 16th shot on Weds....that means I've been on T for 6 months. Not as many changes as I have hoped for, but I'll keep waiting and trying. I should get my blood tested to see my hormone levels but idk how to do that. Maybe I will ask the nurse when I go back to school.

I feel like I'm returning to the high school mentality of the asshole, except this time there is alcohol involved--which is a dangerous combo. So I guess I am gonna be cutting way back...smoking more...drinking less...I know I've said this before...but its gone way to far.

I'm cutting back to 1 coffee mug b4 noon...and then no drinking until evening unless I am partying WITH people...closet alcoholism is doing me no favors.

Sidney told me I am supposed to be blending my fractured identity into one, and I haven't been doing that at all I've been just following my old coping mechanisms even tho I know better...I guess its a good time for new beginnings...maybe even no drinking tomorrow.

I need to learn how to chill out...and stop this nonsense...just be the nice guy that i am...this tough exterior ive been putting up just pushes ppl away and makes me an asshole...its weird ive hidden from ppl for so long, im trying to learn how to really exist out in the open...its harder than i thought...ive gotta stop TRYING and just be...im forgetting how to function without alcohol....and my social anxiety i haveta beat but not this way

I have three hairs under my lip, and almost getting a mustache :) my body is gettin hairier and hairier...and i really need to start going to the gym and working out...i should probly go after maps class cuz im up and then id go 3x a wk...