things are going well...hangin w/ karla and nikki...cut back pretty hardcore on the alcohol..only drinkin on the weekends...this week will be my 33rd shot...its gettin close to a year, 10 months or so I think...school is winding down and only like a week or so left...im staying out here in santa fe for the summer and maybe spending a week at home...so im excited...hope everything works out....

Things are still going well. Hanging with Alicia, Gabe left for Hampshire. Trying to read as much as I can, but I've been ADD about it...so I haven't gotten as far as I would like. Been sleeping better the last few days-nights. Talked to Nikki for like an hr last night, shez doing good...I miss my lil buddy a lot, I wish it wasn't still so long until I can go back to Santa Fe. Like another 2 wks, but I will get through it. Amy (ex, now friend) invited me to Boston for a wkend...but I don't think thats gonna work out...I'm low on funds and I don't wanna drive all the way there. Although if things get annoying here it's nice to have some options.

Side note: shots have been going well, did my 16th shot on Weds....that means I've been on T for 6 months. Not as many changes as I have hoped for, but I'll keep waiting and trying. I should get my blood tested to see my hormone levels but idk how to do that. Maybe I will ask the nurse when I go back to school.

I feel like I'm returning to the high school mentality of the asshole, except this time there is alcohol involved--which is a dangerous combo. So I guess I am gonna be cutting way back...smoking more...drinking less...I know I've said this before...but its gone way to far.

I'm cutting back to 1 coffee mug b4 noon...and then no drinking until evening unless I am partying WITH people...closet alcoholism is doing me no favors.

Sidney told me I am supposed to be blending my fractured identity into one, and I haven't been doing that at all I've been just following my old coping mechanisms even tho I know better...I guess its a good time for new beginnings...maybe even no drinking tomorrow.

I need to learn how to chill out...and stop this nonsense...just be the nice guy that i am...this tough exterior ive been putting up just pushes ppl away and makes me an asshole...its weird ive hidden from ppl for so long, im trying to learn how to really exist out in the open...its harder than i thought...ive gotta stop TRYING and just be...im forgetting how to function without alcohol....and my social anxiety i haveta beat but not this way

I have three hairs under my lip, and almost getting a mustache :) my body is gettin hairier and hairier...and i really need to start going to the gym and working out...i should probly go after maps class cuz im up and then id go 3x a wk...

That was the easiest shot to date...really easy and didn't really hurt at all...HORNY as hell but not hurting so thats all good...the bday was great mudslides rocked, nikki and monica crashed things went well...mebe wineos friday but idk

Back on the bandwagon..i didn't last, class killed my no drinking policy. I had the shakes so bad, I just drank a mug of wine and pepsi tho so that part is good...i didnt get drunk just enuff alcohol to alleviate the shakes. Good call, I'm wokring again so its all good

One day down...spent all of saturday SOBER (from alcohol) only smoked once...10 more days to go...I think i can make it...i will make it..if i do good maybe i can give myself the wkend before my birthday...the only downside to this is...i am creatively blocked--well from school work...i can't figure out how to start on my work...what to do or how to do it...idk...i think i need some add drugs to get thru this...god help me

I feel like a pussy I was being so whiny about my shot today...but it wasn't that bad...and i mean it hurts to walk and shit but...apparently my thigh muscle is not so fond of being stabbed with a needle..i just hate that its bruised for so long after...like i mean a few days...but nikki and i talked today...and i basically told her...or more or less acknowledge what i am..and shez cool with it...so i guess thats good...i just wish it didnt haveta be like this...i wish i could just be and be happy w/o the shots and all this bs i put myself through...but then id be depressed all the time...

Today's dream was with austin and ms. steele (his mom) and ordering pizza. we ordered 3 cheese & pepperoni pizzas and we got one cheese and two w/o cheese and like red peppers or something...idk whats wrong with me...like i said WEIRD dreams lately...but its better than NO dreams or dreams about HER...i dont mind the sex dreams either, and those i usually have control over...funny how that works, i only can control the sex dreams, the others just happen, and the revolution dreams, just i think a prophetic...

Got "she"d be almost (well what felt like) EVERYONE today...someday its gonna be ok...but today is just not that day I guess...SA acting up hardcore...probably cuz of the blow to my ego...

GOD WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO DO/BE...i correct people and they blow me off...like the only way to prove myself is to be a bio-male and go around naked...or whip it out and piss on these people...makes me just wanna punch em...and fuckin than beat myself up...god i hate me today...and i hate that it makes me feel this way!

so frustrated...had to design symbols for my class...and i can't do it...i get so frustrated and idk...im soo angry right now...i just want the week to be over...please please god let it be over soon...philosophy tomorrow...NO DRUNKENNESS...and hopefully i wont do fri drunk as well...probably will...atleast buzzed...and kris will drink w. me tonite :-\

atleast my graphic design teacher referred to me as a male today...last time he almost made me flip cuz he said she....i dont know what to do...I feel like I just want to hide from the world, I feel dislocated disconnected. God just tell me what to do, Allah...whatever...just give me some direction...I want this...I want to lead this...I just need a point in the right direction!

So bought these girls some beer and captain...i drank sum of it with em, we played cards...i think her name is Maddie (shez in my philosophy class)...i was getting sorta upset she kept sayin 'she' at me...i corrected her twice and then just let it go...still hurts tho...i thought she knew better...

watched a documentary on logo last nite...on the website...made me feel idk weird i guess, but i could relate to alot of what was said on it...just made me wonder where i currently am standing...and i dont really have any answers for myself yet...but i guess i can puzzle it out as i go...somethings take time...its not like even if surgery is what i need i could afford it or do it anytime soon...:-\

http://www.logoonline.com/shows/dyn/gender_rebel/videos.jhtml here if anyone is interested and hasnt seen this....

Rae you didn't help...you put ideas in my head...now i think i might have a chance...fucking hell...that last shot...god damn man...T level rising...my leg is still bruised...i think it hurts more cuz it was double the dose and since the consistancy is like the thickest liquid you can imagine...its suspended in oil...it takes FOREVER , i just try not to look...i dont want to bitch...cuz i guess teh changes are happening but really!!! i dont like this bruised shit for a few days...i kno its totally worth it...it really is...i just want more changes faster...im impatient!

I have the highest grade in my philosopy class...by atleast 20-40 points...the girl i sit next to...idk her name has the 2nd highest and the rest of the class is quite a bit behind us...ROCK THE FUCK OUT...i like being smart!!!

z-track or whatever she did hurts...but it felt good...i mean the T hitting my blood feels good...ive been running a lil low...not on horniness...just on T...i need to get sum ass...anyways enuff is enuff...

girls are good...idk y shits gotta be all complicated...you would think...nevermind enuff is enuff...

about the revolution...ok nikki is in it...kris wants to be...and i still don't know about teh other masked four...weird right...idk who else would be in it...i guess i haveta meet them...idk why its gotta be so insistant tho especially since i dont kno anyone else...mebe nikki is the key? and btw who is the blond...and why does nikki keep interupting those dreams...and what the hell do they mean...what are they doing...why the war imagery...why am i always standing there barechested...with that weird haircut...why don't i remember the details...like teh flag--behind me...or who the shadow mass of people are...or what that blonde girl looks like and what she hasta do with shit...whats up with the blood and guns and explosions...it really freaks me out...how am i supposed to do this..what am i supposed to do...why would anyone listen to me...why does teh word exodus resonate with me and this revolution or whatever...argh its driving me nuts...maybe i should look up shit...but i dont know where to start...what is it even about...im a fuckin radical i guess atleast in this country...so what the hell am i doing...i just feel like this whole thing is bearing down on me...serious pressure...i wish i really knew what its about...i just wish i had more clues...maybe im just insane and this is all wrong...its just a fuckin power trip caused by my whole identity thing and the T dosage...but then why from when i was lil did i feel this way...i guess it could be insanity...sooooo fuckin frustrated...the more i think about the dreams the more details obscure themselves and the more the lil things i remember...like the blood and violence...the marching...the flag...but no faces no purpose nothng important or imperative...GOD please just give me a clue...anything...maybe nikki has the next piece...maybe thats why it kept showing her...im just impatient...im done waiting...i want to GO DO SOMETHING

no more dreams, about that girl as part of my revolution...just lots and lots of sex :) hopefully it stays that way until something new develops...

BAD NEWS:

probably flunked my midterm for map (basically 3 classes in 1)
Nikki did NOT help me study at all...idk im pretty much fucked for that class :(

Viva la revolution!

You believe in heaven, right?
And if you have sinned you do not go, correct?
Well how do you think God treats those in heaven,
Do you think there are levels and each are treated depending on what they did on earth?
No.
God would treat you all the same, as his children.
And this I say to you, is communism...everyone gets His love and to share heaven equally.
So why is it that we can not have communism on earth?
If that is God's heaven, why would we want anything less on earth, especially when we are capable of it.

(idk weird speech idea had to jot it down--arguement for christians/catholics/religious ones)

Can we say SCARY...republicans trying to bring on the end of the world

I fucking love it...Iran is a democracy but we are funding them to be a WESTERN democracy

Who's a very good lil chavez...yes who is I can't help it I like him ALOT

Another person speaking out against blackwater

Iraqi government tries again to get blackwater out

Fucking creepy bastards they are excerising their rights as americans

I've been feeling really isolated lately. Partially my own doing, yet...it comes from not being able to trust people enough to take my walls down I think. I can't even talk to alicia, cause she is always hanging with Morgan or Ben...not that that is a problem it just means I can't be exactly myself. With all these changes slowly taking place I need to find some people to talk to. Everything has been feeling superficial and fake lately...I'm so torn...i want to be able to talk to people about transitioning and that im not biomale...and yet I don't cause I don't want to be treated differently or anything. It's hard...I just duno what to do about it...I'm holding it all back and trying to keep it inside...and I know that it doesn't work...but I have yet to come up with an alternative...probably just writing in here...Adam wants freedom...he wants friends to be a part of things...college life...but im still holding out on trust...im inprisoning myself...and i guess I still don't know how to let myself go...to be normal...if that is even the word I want...im used to holding myself back and separating myself but I don't know how its really working...sometimes I just want to scream I AM A MAN....othertimes I just want my friends, these people to know what i am really about...how ive struggled and that i need their support...to stand...

What is regretful is that if all these subjugaged people joined hands in brotherhood and fought back—things would change. We are so separated, and segregated by the powers that be; if we just listened to each other we would see we are fighting the same war. When Malcolm X went to Mecca for his pilgrimage and he had an awesome idea—to start a Pan-African league. For all the African brothers and sisters all over the world to join arms and stop the racism against them. His dream fell flat with his murder shortly after his return to the United States.
It isn’t only about joining together—it’s about shouting it out. So that EVERYONE hears and there can be no misunderstanding. You cannot turn a blind eye if you are forced to see what you’ve being trying to ignore. America violates so many of these basic human rights, and yet we have managed to bamboozle the majority of Americans into think we are the only one who protects Human Rights.
There ARE sweatshops in this country, there IS an illegal slave trade, and the corporations we support ARE damaging third world countries. Our NAFTA and WTO policies ARE bankrupting other countries and basically destroying their individual economy and market. To deprive someone of their rights in this country—just call them a terrorist and our laws apparently DO NOT apply to them. We provoked and started a war to steal another country’s oil, and we are about to do it again.
We keep saying we are better than all this, that we are the only truly FREE country—in actuality we only hide it better. We made legislation to free the slaves, and corporations use the same law to be declared individuals with rights. Not only do corporations have rights, but apparently their rights surpass our own individual rights. The laws are used to exploit and abuse the people who don’t run the system. The irony is that if we were all to stand up and say NO MORE—they couldn’t stop us. If the millions in poverty in this country marched on Washington and said WE WANT MORE FOR OURSELVES THAN THIS. What could they do? There aren’t enough police or troops to arrest all these people.
The problem is people are scared of change and the unknown. People are scared of the power they think the government and rich-men hold. They forget that WE gave them that power, and only WE can take it away. The only reason they have money is WE pay it to them. All we have to do is stand tall next to our neighbor and no matter what never back down until we get what is guaranteed to us by this country. We are a democracy, made by the people and FOR the people. We don’t have to believe their lies—we can and we will make a change for the better. They think they have subjugated us, and we will prove to them how wrong they are. We can no longer afford to be apathetic—we can no longer be satisfied just mumbling about how horrible things are. NOW is the time to do something, now is when it counts.